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Welcome to the hysterical, madcap world of 'health n safety', where boiling a kettle requires a competence regime and conkers grow in bubble wrap.

This page features a collection of stories which will have you pulling your hair out (assuming you still have some).

Other stories
H&S hits charity shopping packers
23rd December 2009 (The News (Portsmouth))
Health and safety rules have stopped teenagers packing bags for Christmas shoppers - and raising money for charity - at a supermarket in Havant.
Reindeer display banned
22nd December 2009 (Daily Mail)
As natives of the Arctic Circle, you might think that snow in an East Midlands market town would pose no problem to reindeer. But health and safety officers had other ideas.
Tinsel safety fears
20th December 2009 (This is Nottingham)
A bus driver was forced to take down tinsel from his bus because passengers might slip on it if it fell to the floor.
Health n safety's carol singing guide
13th December 2009 (Daily Telegraph)
Carol singing is a high risk business so this year's festive door-step entertainers have a health and safety leaflet to guide them.
Dog has to pass health and safety test
11th December 2009 (Daily Mail)
Ofsted tried to ban a school's pet dog because it posed a health and safety risk.
Council bans Christmas lights
9th December 2009 (Daily Star)
Scrooge council bosses in Portland, Dorset have banned Christmas lights because they might fall on someone.
Sell you a sandwich? You might choke
5th December 2009 (Daily Mail)
A train steward refused to sell a passenger an egg sandwich because he might choke on it.
Christmas killjoys blasted
5th December 2009 (This is Bristol)
Bristol Council's leader has accused officials of being "Christmas killjoys" for issuing a list of seasonal health and safety warnings.
Tory's to curb H&S neurosis
1st December 2009 (Daily Mail)
David Cameron pledges to cure the 'national neurosis' caused by health and safety rules, freeing police, schools and volunteer groups from the fear of being sued.
Garden gnomes safety hazard
1st December 2009 (Scottish Daily Express)
Two garden gnomes outside a flat have provoked a storm about “ridiculous” safety rules because of claims that people could trip over them when escaping a fire.
Ten-pin bowling is dangerous
30th November 2009 (Daily Mail)
After two years and £250,000, the HSE has found that ten-pin bowling alleys up and down the country could be a 'very dangerous' environment for families.
Health & safety forces tree swap
27th November 2009 (Daily Mail)
From a health and safety point of view, it is the perfect Christmas tree - no sharp needles! But according to residents who have to look at it, it has no festive spirit.
Hospital bans unsafe cakes
27th November 2009 (Daily Mail)
It's a sweet way of putting a smile on the faces of sick patients. But now fundraisers have been banned from donating cakes to a hospital for health and safety reasons.
Council bans shop's balloon display
25th November 2009 (Daily Mirror)
Killjoy council chiefs have banned a couple from displaying balloons outside their shop because one might break loose, enticing a child to chase it into traffic.
H&S snoops to enter family homes
15th November 2009 (The Times)
Health and safety inspectors are to be given unprecedented access to family homes to ensure that parents are protecting their children from household accidents.
It's non-fire night!
5th November 2009 (Daily Mail)
There's something magical about a bonfire roaring into life. But in Devon this evening the flames will flicker just as soon as the organisers turn on their giant television.
Disabled mum has to bank on street
3rd November 2009 (The Sun)
A wheelchair-bound mum has been forced to do her banking on the street after staff refused to lift her two steps into the branch for health and safety reasons.
Barber's pole deemed unsuitable
25th October 2009 (Daily Mail)
A barber's shop pole has been seized as a health and safety risk even though no one has ever complained about it.
Bonfire party cancelled due to H&S
21st October 2009 (Stockport Express)
A charity bonfire that lit up Stockport for more than 25 years has been extinguished by ‘over the top’ health and safety regulations.
Five-high ban lollipop man quits
5th October 2009 (BBC News)
An Edinburgh lollipop man has quit after he was told by the council that giving out high-fives to children was a "health and safety risk".
Promenade railings 'health and safety nonsense'
1st October 2009 (North Norfolk News)
Railings put up along one of Cromer's promenades spoil the picture postcard views of the resort and are “health and safety nonsense".
Clock wound up over safety fears
18th September 2009 (The Times)
A parish where the church clock has been wound by hand for more than 200 years is facing a £5,000 bill after being advised that the practice is dangerous.
H&S create Lichfield tip chaos
16th September 2009 (Lichfield Blog)
Health and safety regulations have been blamed for causing chaos at Lichfield’s recycling centre when skips are being emptied.
Fire risk from hanging baskets
25th August 2009 (Daily Mail)
A housing association has been accused of exploiting health and safety rules in a bid to make money after it banned hanging baskets over claims they pose a fire risk.
Bowing and scraping banned by health and safety
10th August 2009 (Daily Mail)
The centuries old tradition of walking backwards after seeing the monarch has become the latest victim of health and safety regulations.
Single mum turned away from pool
3rd August 2009 (Daily Mail)
A single mother was turned away from her local swimming baths because health and safety rules meant that her youngsters had to be accompanied by two adults.
Guide dog banned from minibus
1st August 2009 (Evening Courier, Halifax)
For health and safety reasons, a visually-impaired bowls team has been denied a council minibus after they asked to take a guide dog on board.
Hospital bans gran's knitted dolls
30th July 2009 (Gazette Live)
A knitting grandma has been left devastated after her local hospital banned the sale of her handmade dolls for health and safety reasons.
Swimmers banned from doing lengths
30th July 2009 (Daily Mail)
Swimmers at a council pool have been banned from doing lengths because health and safety numpties believe that they make it harder for lifeguards to ensure safety.
Health and safety ruling is stair crazy
14th July 2009 (The Sun)
Health and safety jobsworths have been branded mad after closing a £50,000 seaside staircase because one person complained it was too steep.
Roman wall plan scrapped due to health and safety
10th July 2009 (This is Exeter)
Plans to let people walk along Exeter’s Roman wall for the first time in recent history have been deemed a health and safety hazard and scrapped.
Tandem is health and safety risk
3rd July 2009 (Daily Mail)
Cyclists on a tandem were turned away from a drive-thru McDonald's as the manager considered it a health and safety liability.
Bunting banned in case lampposts topple
3rd July 2009 (Daily Mail)
Health and safety numpties have banned bunting from a traditional summer carnival because they claim it could cause street lights to collapse under the strain.
Die laughing at stupid signs
2nd July 2009 (Daily Mail)
It may seem obvious that things left out in the rain will get wet. Not obvious enough, though, for authorities in central London - they have installed a sign!
Coffee club closes thanks to health and safety
27th June 2009 (Peterborough Evening Telegraph)
Health and safety rules have created a real storm in a coffee cup - a pensioners coffee morning has been axed because of fears a hot drink might be spilt over a child.
Health and safety forces end to donkey derby
27th June 2009 (Birmingham Mail)
A Birmingham church has been forced to abandon its traditional donkey derby at its summer fete after 20 years because of health and safety fears.
Schools 'too safe' teachers say
18th June 2009 (BBC News)
Nearly half of teachers believe the health and safety culture in schools is damaging children's learning and development, a survey suggests.
Gran forced to retire over health and safety fears
17th June 2009 (Daily Mirror)
A gran of 83 who worked at a restaurant for 22 years has been booted out after being told that loading and emptying the dishwasher posed an "immense" health risk to her.
At sharp end of health and safety
12th June 2009 (The Echo, Basildon)
A schoolgirl was stopped from buying a pack of pencils because it contained a pencil sharpener.
Another half-baked diktat
10th June 2009 (The Press & Journal)
Dundee City Council has forbiden schools from providing home-baking stalls at summer events on health and safety grounds.
Schools take soft option on cricket
10th June 2009 (Daily Mail)
Health and safety fears have, in part, been blamed for the decline in schools' use of hard cricket balls. 
Pupils banned from wearing swimming goggles
4th June 2009 (Daily Mail)
A school has banned children from wearing goggles during swimming lessons for fear they could hurt themselves while wearing them.
Clockwise ban for skaters
3rd June 2009 (BBC News)
Skaters at a Stirling ice rink have been told that health and safety rules mean that they must skate anti-clockwise during public sessions.
Handrails demanded at pick-your-own fruit farm
3rd June 2009 (Daily Mail)
A popular strawberry farm has announced it is to close to the public after health and safety officials claimed it could be hiding hazards within its hedgerows.
Health and safety hits chip shop run
27th May 2009 (EDP24)
For months, pensioners at a sheltered housing complex enjoyed a weekly lunchtime treat from the chippy before bosses banned it for health and safety reasons.
Farmers told to wear earmuffs
26th May 2009 (Daily Mail)
An HSE leaflet advises farmers to wear earmuffs when feeding pigs because their squealing could cause just as much damage to hearing as a chainsaw or power drill.
Schools switching to clip-on ties
15th May 2009 (BBC News)
Clip-on ties are replacing knotted school ties, as schools worry about health and safety worries, says a survey of school uniform suppliers.
Washing lines banned due to safety fears
7th May 2009 (BBC News)
Holidaymakers at a caravan site in Kent have formed a protest group after being ordered to take down their rotary washing lines over safety fears.
Safety measures have detrimental effects
7th May 2009 (Cherwell)
The removal of step-ladders in a library, due to health and safety concerns, has resulted in students being unable to access books.
Flag flying too dangerous
1st May 2009 (Bourne Local)
Civic leaders are in uproar after the St George's flag was not flown at Bourne Town Hall to mark the patron saint's day because of health and safety fears.
Coco Nuts
23rd April 2009 (Daily Star)
A circus clown has been banned from wearing his giant comedy shoes because they breach health and safety rules.
RIP common sense - killed by health and safety zealots
20th April 2009 (Daily Mail)
Has health and safety gone mad - a question posed by the BBC's Panorama - or is it an important guard against the industrial deaths which once blighted Britain?
Farce over Sir Ranulph's survival show
18th April 2009 (The Mirror)
A BBC health and safety expert ordered explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes not to light a camp fire in case he got hurt.
Firefighters told stepladders are too dangerous
5th April 2009 (Daily Mail)
Firemen who are used to climbing 300ft ladders have been ordered not to climb up small stepladders due to health and safety concerns. 
Chums' patio is safety risk
5th April 2009 (The Sun)
Health and safety jobsworths have told a group of elderly pals to destroy their community meeting place in case they get hurt while having a chat.
Pool to shut if it's too wet
10th March 2009 (Evening Standard)
Swimmers at an outdoor London pool have been warned they will have to leave the water if it rains too much because of health and safety rules.
School video sparks concerns
24th February 2009 (Dumbarton Reporter)
Rail bosses banned a five-year-old boy from making a level crossing video at one of their stations for fear of terrorism.
Killjoys cut off noses
18th February 2009 (Daily Mirror)
Comic Relief bosses have been forced to redesign their iconic car red noses after health and safety killjoys said the old-style, tie-on noses could be a hazard if they fell off.
Health and safety closes library entrance
9th February 2009 (This is Kent)
Irate customers of Sevenoaks' library have branded as "health and safety gone mad" a decision to block off the main entrance following last week's snow.
'Health and safety' leaves car parks icy
5th February 2009 (Harborough Mail)
Harborough District Council has admitted that it does not grit its car parks or other open spaces because of guidance from its health and safety and legal advisers.
Music teachers ordered to wear earmuffs
21st January 2009 (Daily Mail)
The HSE has warned school music teachers to wear earmuffs or stand behind noise screens to protect their hearing.
Hospital flowers nipped in the bud
11th January 2009 (Scotland on Sunday)
For years, they have been as intrinsic a part of hospital life as bed rest and bandages. But now hospital bosses are insisting they are a potential health hazard.
Why Jack couldn't climb the beanstalk
8th January 2009 (Daily Mail)
Members of the Brierley Hill Musical Theatre Company fear their panto will be shut down before the curtain goes up due to health and safety requirements.
Otley's grass not cut since 2007
1st January 2009 (Wharfedale & Airedale Observer)
Grass in part of Otley’s conservation area hasn’t been cut for 16 months because health and safety rules say it cannot be done when conditions underfoot are wet.
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