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Slip, trip, fall

No, it’s not a music hall act or firm of solicitors. Slip, trip and fall is the single largest cause of workplace accidents. So, with the words of ergonomics gurus ringing in their ears, safety departments are recruiting staff to tackle the problem. We can expect them to be totally focussed on finding a solution.
Slip, trip and fall is the single largest cause of workplace accidents.

The campaign will be headed by the following people.

Lars Torders

Lars Torders is 37 and recently transferred from Norway.

He studied paper folding and table setting at the Oslo Academy of Modern Arts before securing a two year work placement counting grains of sand in the Gobi Desert. Lars tried caterpillar farming but the business failed after a swarm of butterflies apparently descended on his property while he was away at a Scouts’ weekend jamboree.

He has a genuine bootleg copy of ‘London to Brighton in four minutes” which he has view several times.

On a consultancy basis, Mr Torders now heads up the Fobbing Off Department and is a part time traffic warden in Wembley Park. His interests include comb and paper recitals, cutting toe nails and improving his collection of belly button fluff.

He is divorced and lives with his 3 cats in a flat just off the Portabella Road.
Sir Kitt Braker

Lars is joined by Sir Kitt Braker.

Kitt is 85 and from Middle Earth. He was educated at a well known school (which he now claims was approved) and was then called to the bar. Sir Kitt was interned from 1940 until the end of the war and then entered parliament as a founder member of the Monster Raving Loony Party.

In 1994, he was forced to quit the Chiltern Hundreds after a bust up with an anti-hunt agitator resulted in a spell at Her Majesty’s pleasure. Sir Kitt is presently attending night school on a wheel tapping course which he hopes will lead to an apprenticeship.

His interests include ice cream sculpting and singing in a vacuum. A venture into tadpole farming came to an abrupt halt after he woke one morning to find that all his tadpoles had been eaten by a plague of small frogs.

Both Sir Kitt and Lars are adapting well to their new responsibilities and would both be willing to address after dinner events, Women’s Institutes and, especially, boy scout troops.

The new Industry Briefing Department will be headed by Donatello Noboddi after serving his period of notice on checkout 3 at Tescos in Duncehead. Donatello has recently completed his masters degree in shelf stacking which he passed with honours.

The group admin leader is Emma Wroyds who has endeared herself to her managers by adopting a standing position at all times. Miss Wroyds previously worked on papermache submersibles but was made redundant when the firm went into liquidation.

Emma will be professionally assisted by Faye Kinnyt and Mick Stup who have both been transferred from the planning department.

Donatello Noboddi Emma Wroyds Faye Kinnyt Mick Stup

Faye was a runner up in Shrek lookalike competition but failed her Big Brother audition so took part time work as a pub bouncer.

Mike received a Prince’s Trust award and spent 12 months trying to perfect a chocolate fire guard. He has spent the last few weeks honing his fobbing off skills working as a doctors’ receptionist.

Story added 1st November 2006

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