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Sad demise means new starter

Following the untimely passing of our colleague Sir Kitt Braker, we are pleased to announce that our ranks have been swelled with the arrival of a new expert.

Sir Cumfrance has started work in our Nomenclature Department, and will be responsible for ensuring that all terminology adopted within the industry complies with our ‘best practice’ guidelines, specifically that it is ‘as confusing and complicated as reasonably practical when measured against pre-determined benchmarks’ (ACACARPWMAPDB). He comes to us with glowing credentials, having spent many years honing his skills within the Civil Service.

He will be with us on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The other day in his working week will be spent as Product Director of his own company which is developing a direction-dependent train horn. Based on his experience as a sheepdog trainer, the device will emit a “Come-Bye Shep” warning when the train is on the Up road while, on the Down, an “Away-to-me Meg” alert will be given. He believes that the savings in PTS training will offset the equipment costs.

Last December, Sir Cumfrance took out a franchise in a pub ashtray business but this went into liquidation following a sharp downturn in orders.
Sir Cumfrance took out a franchise in a pub ashtray business but this went into liquidation following a sharp downturn in orders.

After being an apprentice at the giant canoe repair yard in West Hartlepool, he went on to work in a Government benefit office in the north-east where he was in charge of data security. Before that, he held the post of Loan Risk Manager at Northern Rock.

He is credited with inventing the ‘Glitter Meter’ - a devise which was adopted by the rail industry and used to measure the amount of glitter (shine) on the rail head. He has had several spells as an Olympic Games car park attendant and was also a one-time Preston Guild programme seller.

Sir Cumfrance used to suffer from Alice. This eventually cleared up but then Christopher Robin went down with it.

Having booked his place on a night school course, he will soon be fluent in NASABUSH - the new management-speak. It is a combination of the languages used by NASA and George Bush. You can’t understand the first half and you can’t believe the second half.

At interview, he impressed our selection committee with his paper on the likeness of safety experts with eunuchs working in a hareem. He developed the theory that they know how it’s done, they have seen it done many times but they are unable to do it themselves.

Welcome Sir Cumfrance. We wish you a fruitful stay with us and we are actively seeking a team of assistants for you.

Story added 1st September 2008

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