After Lars Torders, head of our Fobbing Off Directorate, left to carry out a feasibility study into Gibraltar’s proposed high speed rail network, we are pleased to welcome Mona Littlemore to our Safety Department.

Mona, from Essex, is of undeterminable age and has a great face for radio. She once applied to be a postwoman. When asked why she wanted the job, replied “it’s better than walking the streets”.

Miss Littlemore is studying a radio ventriloquism course with the Open University. Her favourite reading is the Yellow Pages, ‘John and Janet’ stories, and sell-by dates. For a time she was a door-to-door saleswoman for correctit.com - a Japanese firm which claimed to be marketing the world’s first ballpoint pen with built-in spellchecker. She said a lot was lost in translation.

She claimed that winning an Olympic swimming gold medal was a walk in the park after spending three years as a street walker in Venice. She worked for a while as a left-handed cup maker and is credited as inventor of the Mallard retention tank dipstick.

We hope Mona settles in well.

Mona Littlemore discusses terms with her departmental head

We are still seeking to recruit other staff for our team. The post of Deputy Assistant Fluff Compliance Manager (Upholstery Division) was recently vacated by the incumbent following an incident involving a bratwurst, two cans of Lyle’s Black Treacle and a Jersey cow named Doris. No further details can be released until due legal process had been concluded.

We are however actively seeking a replacement. The successful candidate will work to instructions given by the Senior Assistant Fluff Compliance Manager who, in turn, is answerable to Tim from Accounts.

Key behaviours include the ability to sort fluff into its 14 primary constituents and, during the department’s quarterly audits, perform a Shirley Bassey tribute act as a distraction.

The starting salary is £42,000 plus London weighting or a generous hamburger allowance, whichever is preferred. Our bonus scheme could boost overall earnings to £66,700. Performance is measured by the number of the times the Fluff Compliance Director’s phone rings between 0945 and 1115 on the morning after the night before. If no calls are received during this period, it is presumed that the industry has not noticed us so we must therefore be doing a great job.

Performance is measured by the number of times the Fluff Compliance Director's phone rings between 0945 and 1115 on the morning after the night before.

Tuesdays are traditionally rest days unless there are three or more letters in the month, in which case the department is granted special leave from Wednesday through ‘til Friday. On Monday mornings, a group bonding session is held at our satellite office near Kings Cross.

Anyone interested in this post should apply to Dr Shahif Aziz, Neuro-Psychology Unit, St Bernard’s Hospital, Cleckheaton, West Yorkshire, including a CV, references and an A4 colour photograph of Claudia Schiffer.