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The legacy from 2012

During the Olympics, media outlets agreed that the railways - and our railwaymen/women - did a great job moving hundreds of thousands of spectators around the various venues. Now that the dust has settled and the bigwigs have had time to write their reports and provide feedback to stakeholders, what will the industry’s legacy be? What has Network Rail learnt?

After mandating staff must wear hardhats at all times, Network Rail is now going to introduce compulsory gum shields and shin pads when on or near running lines in case of slips, trips or falls. Ice hockey goalkeepers’ facemasks, wicket keepers’ gloves and cricketers’ boxes will be encouraged, but optional. They can be ordered as a depot issue.

Over the busy Christmas period, Network Rail's North-West cheerleading troupe rehearse in Preston ahead of a site visit by the firm's Assurance & Compliance Director.

Following their successful use by Spain’s basketball coach, all COSSs are now to be issued with Etch-a-Sketch pads to demonstrate the route to site and positions of safety. All activities will now be preceded by high-fives and group hugs whilst handback before the booked time will demand a lap of honour. A manager’s appearance on site will be heralded by a fanfare and a girl carrying an information board; when they sign in, Executive Officers will be accompanied by Heather Small singing “What have you done today to make you feel proud?”

To cut transport expenditure, staff will now be expected to be marathon-fit and run between jobs that are no more than ten miles apart. Spectator stands will be erected around worksites, the cost of which will be offset by ticket sales. Relaying jobs of over 20 lengths will begin with an opening ceremony (not too left wing), a parade of contractors and fireworks, following by a beach volleyball match. Heats will be held for joint welding, track circuit bonding and ballast shovelling during the early hours, with the finals just before handback.

Relaying jobs of over 20 lengths will begin with an opening ceremony...

Unfortunately a proposal that staff should be able to call a timeout during bad weather was rejected, as was a request for segregated lanes alongside main lines for staff safety on the grounds that they were an overreaction and not cost effective. However thousands of volunteer Rule Makers will be recruited to take the pressure off safety professionals and, in addition to cash bonuses, Directors will be awarded gold medals for every project that only exceeds its budget by 25% or less.

Story added 1st January 2013

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