Search this site
Delude Retreat Indemnify Prevaricate Squander

Despite the deep cuts affecting the public sector, Death by Health and Safety is determined that the industry's safety standards will not be compromised. The steel industry might have been decimated and coal mining a thing of the past, but at least the UK can take comfort in its thriving health and safety sector. Just imagine what our unemployment figures would be without it.

DBHS, as an equal opportunities employer, is looking for half-witted, under-performing and lethargic people to join its ranks in a number of positions - mostly horizontal, leaving those with high-level skills and qualifications available for roles at Burger King.

So if you've been unable to secure a job as a result of your inadequacies, why not join the team here at DBHS? We're bound to have a project you'd be perfect for.

To apply for any of the posts below, please email your shoe size and a copy of your Grade 2 Nose Picking Certificate to:

careers@deathbyhealthandsafety.co.uk

FAO Jean Poole, Recruitment Coordinator, Taxidermy Division, DBHS

Job Title
RIDDOR Report Submissions Masseur
Job Reference
XS/107288726355487/B/22
Pay Band
Bonus only
Base
Cloud Cuckoo Land
Directorate
Commercial

Job description

The successful candidate will manage the co-ordination hub for the inputting of accident/incident reports (not more than 12 in any calendar year) into the Vexatious Data Sieve, in accordance with our waste management, digital recycling and financial sustainability policies. Hand protection will be provided to ensure fingertips are not caught in the office shredder.

The resulting outputs will be subjected to examination using a statistical analysis tool, weighted by means of a dynamic support matrix and then sucked through a filtration unit into the Humber.

Required skillsets

The successful candidate will have the following qualities -
  • unstinting obediance
  • the ability to see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil (being blind, deaf and mute will be advantageous)
  • a knowledge of which side one's bread is buttered.
Job Title
Standards Committee Sleep Monitor
Job Reference
XS/896258286746206/G/12
Pay Band
£52,300 + benefits
Base
Tahiti
Directorate
Life Support

Job description

Railway Standards Committees are highly-charged (usually to 0.3V DC) environments where plausible grounds for the denial of every change proposal have to be invented. To manage the stress associated with this work, all committee members are subject to a strict regime of rest and recuperation, and their compliance with this carefully managed.

The 250 successful candidates will be required to administer benzodiazepines twice daily to each of DBHS's 2,500 Risk Embellishment Strategists, take them for their annual walk and ensure they remain completely detached from the outside world.

Required skillsets

The successful candidate will have the following qualities -
  • no friends
  • aversion to daylight
  • intimate understanding of hallucinogenic drugs.
Job Title
Standards Committee Lockdown Agent
Job Reference
XS/126341006874923/L/29
Pay Band
£178,400 + benefits
Base
Grimsby
Directorate
Resistance

Job description

An inquiry into the loss of two bullet points from a Rule Book module uncovered a security breach which enabled a mason to enter The Treacle Tower and recarve a tablet of stone whilst the relevant Standards Committee had retired for tiffin.

The report has recommended the recruitment of Lockdown Agents for each Standards Committee to watch over its stone tablets during periods of bewilderment. The agents will also guard the chairman to ensure he is not disturbed by free thought or attempts at flexibility.

Required skillsets

The successful candidate will have the following qualities -
  • never take 'yes' for an answer
  • ability to whistle in the wind
  • have the flexibility of a girder or concrete sill beam.
Job Title
Research & Enquiry Report Scribe
Job Reference
XS/812380652789128/M/74
Pay Band
£77,800 + benefits
Base
Barnoldswick
Directorate
Revelation

Job description

Tired of working all hours? Fed up of having to cut corners? Feel like you’re always under pressure?

Why not benefit from a new start with no stress? Have plenty of time on your hands. Never rush a job again - work at glacier speed. Enjoy a role with no responsibility. Deliver products that no-one will ever use.

DBHS manages the railway's 'research and enquiry' programme, delivering industry-wide, strategic insights into the screamingly obvious and matters of no importance.

The installation of a new shelving unit near the coffee machine has driven the need to recruit 14 additional report writers to increase the output of our Revelation Directorate and fill the available space.

Required skillsets

The successful candidates will have the following qualities -
  • willingness to ask inane questions
  • ability to make mountains out of molehills
  • susceptible to acute verbosity
  • have no life experience whatsoever.
Job Title
Crane Operator, Document Control
Job Reference
XS/29648234008615/T/416
Pay Band
£32,200 + benefits
Base
Okehampton Quarry
Directorate
Corporate Fog

Job description

Our new hermetically-sealed document dungeon, cut into the rock 250 metres beneath Dartmoor National Park, will be home to some of DBHS's most valuable annals including the seminal Best Practice Guide on Pencil Sharpening (1993), the Register of Authorised Boot Lace Colours (2001) and the Certificate of Conformity to which all our Standards Committee members' brains comply.

The dungeon will be served by a new railhead at Okehampton Quarry where 15 crane operators will be based. Their duties will include offloading the container flasks on arrival, redistributing the documents into appropriate sub-chambers based on their toxicity and arranging for each document's word count to be audited on a weekly basis to ensure no losses over time.

Required skillsets

The successful candidate will have the following qualities -
  • physique of Vanessa Feltz
  • immunity to all known biohazards
  • BSc in Applied Mathematics.
Page Top

Front Page | Safety Valve | Jungle Ron | Newshound | Red Tape | On The Line
Four by Three | Forgotten Relics of an Enterprising Age | God's Own County | Image Library

© Four by Three 2014